What's it like being manic? Follow me down the rabbit hole...

It’s rare that I do, but when I share with those close to me that I trust that I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder, I get one of 2 reactions:

1.) No way!  My cousin is bipolar, and she’s crazy! You’re nothing like her.

2.) Whattttt? You’re bipolar (thinking... “shit, he’s crazy” <gulp> this changes everything I ever thought about you]) ... runs and hide yo kids , hide your children, hide yo wife..

For these reasons, I don’t usually share this 8 year old diagnosis. It’s a condition that is misunderstood, misdiagnosed, and stigmatized by the majority of the population (still). 

Let me be the one to tell you that unless you’re a *well trained physician*, your understanding of bipolar disorder is probably wrong.  Bipolar, whether in manic or depressed state, is not 'crazy', psychotic, schizophrenic, or deranged. In fact, most students of medicine and medical professionals will miss bipolar diagnosis at first when evaluating a patient, taking about 10 years on average before an official diagnosis occurs of someone who suffers, and several episodes. [Side note: Unless the manic episode is really bad, and the sufferer is hospitalized, bipolar sufferers don't go in when they feel like a rockstart/manic state, and only sometimes go in when they are REALLY depressed. Most physicians will prescript anti-depressents, which only increases the chance of manic and depressive episodes.]

A bit of academic education - Bipolar is characterized by the fact that a person experiences episodes of  *very* high and *very* low mood and energy, and often this can occur quite rapidly. The "high euphoria” states are labeled as 'manic' (not to be confused as 'crazy'), where as the low energy/mood states that almost always follow are unequivocally “depressed." Manic episodes usually last 5 days or more, and depressive episodes can last from a day to weeks or more. This rapid can happen in minutes, or seconds, and be triggered by the simplest of things. NOTE: Bipolar people usually aren’t violent, though they can be reckless in their decisions in manic state that results in personal consequences - and if severely depressed, cause self-harm or suicidal. Suicide is a real concern in depressive episodes, as researchers estimate that between 25 - 60% of individuals with bipolar disorder with attempt suicide at least once in their lives,and between 4 - 19% will complete suicide.

In my case, my depressive episodes are quite short (1-2 days), after which I "bounce back," and with exception of one time during a difficult divorce, I never had thoughts of suicide.  In short, my depressive episodes are 'not bad at all', and I feel quite lucky in that regard.  You really would't notice it - I'm probably just dark/quite during that time..

So anyway... 

What’s it like being bipolar? 

I feel like the experience is unique to each person because each persons life is influenced by their personal variables - relationship, jobs, financial opportunity, religious views (or lack of), etc.. . It’s a disorder that can manifest itself in personalized ways from person to person, but with common characteristics.

Bad news is that it’s genetic, but the good news is that with good treatment, usually medication, it’s quite manageable. No one bats an eye if you take an aspirin a day to lower your blood pressure, or cholesterol meds, or iron for iron deficiency, or Ritalin for diagnosed adhd, or viagra, but they freak out when you hear someone on lithium, for example. 

For these reasons - due to the lack of good understanding, I’ve decided to share my story to provide a perspective. I feel like I’m a bit unique, and lucky in a sense, because I do not generally experience the severe depressive episodes that typical bipolar sufferers do, and if I do, they’re extremely brief.  I also dont' believe I've experienced a "full blow manic episode" (akin to when the individual thinks they are god, quit their job, and their 'old' life, and start a new life in a separate country preaching the second coming - though i know people that have). 

Instead, I've experienced at least 2 hypo (meaning 'below')-manic episodes with some consequence and personal disruption.  

By sharing my story, perhaps this will help those who are also suffering gain the strength to accept that this is a mental health condition and get qualified medical help, and friends and family of those get “some perspective” to understand that the person is suffering, and not 'crazy'

Anyway, here goes.... follow me down the rabbit hole. 

About 8 years ago I was going through a difficult divorce. I was stressed. I was angry. I was hurt. I wasn’t sleeping much. I wasn’t eating much. I was depressed, and I was a cluster-fuck of an emotional mess.  

At the same time, there were also periods I felt very confident, very happy, very relieved, and very optimistic - all within the same week.  It was quite tough and exhausting on my friends to have to deal with this rapid fluctuation in mood and attitude, and I lost at least one good friend along the way. 

Not being aware I was suffering from bipolar episodes, I decided at one point to visit some family out of state and spend about a week with them. Probably one of the best, and most elated weeks of my life - to.this.day. 

It was also the kickoff to my first, *confirmed*, fully blown hypo-manic episode, but I didn’t know it at the time.

It started out with lost luggage for the entire week, which normally, would make most people upset, but what I didn’t know is that I was at the beginning of a hypo-manic episode. I didn’t care, and for almost an entire week I  wore mostly just the clothes on my back. I was instead sooooooo happy, without really being able to explain “but why?” For those that have experimented with MDMA, the experience is quite, well actually - very similar to rolling - in that your brain experiences a high dump of serotonin, however when manic, it last a lot longer - like 5 days or more. 

I had so much energy.

I was running all the time. 

I was making new friends.  

I had the confidence to talk to anyone. 

I wasn’t sleeping. 

I wasn’t hungry. 

I was speaking quite fast, most of the time.

I probably lost 5 -10 lbs in a week. I had so many “brilliant” ideas. I was turned on ALL the time. I was, in short, hypo-manic state. 

If you got to meet me during my manic phase, I think you would have though, “wow, Jean-Mark is such a nice, fun, optimistic, ambitious guy to be around!” While I like to think I’m fairly fun, and optimistic in general, if manic, I feel more like “super Mark, eating kryptonite for breakfast as fuel.

In short, being manic is like being drunk on optimism and hyper confident in *all* endeavors. A Tony Robinson attitude and smile 24/7 whether on your way to 7-11, or pitching a radical business idea to friends and family. 

“I’m going to start a company! I’m going to ask the hottest girl in the city out! I’m going to become a musician! I’m going to run 20 miles because I feel so fucking great!... and then if my legs aren’t concrete (they were), I’ll do it again.”

It unequivocally feels great, but it is inevitably unsustainable, and can also lead to reckless behavior. In this episode, I don't recall making reckless decisions, but other episodes had consequences. 

(To be honest, I personally love the feeling, but like when one gets too drunk or anything, mistakes happen, and regrets occur. The people and situations effected don’t care that you were not in a “normal state of mind” and this can wreak havoc on personal, and professional life if undiagnosed and improperly managed.)

Ultimately that elevated mood didn’t last, and when I got back to my home, the week (5 days+) manic was over and I had a rapid change in mood in literally seconds. I was still so happy when I got back and expected that to stay. My manager however had been upset at me for not taking a flight back without informing her (as I had a business trip prior to my time away) and  I - all of a sudden - became extremely upset. My heart sank. I couldn’t believe how fast my mood changed from being on cloud 9 as if I had just won the lottery, to that of dread and the feeling one might get of getting terminal cancer diagnosis.  

All of this, because my manager was upset I didn’t inform her of a flight change........

I felt like something was wrong in me, and I checked myself in to an urgent clinic. I explained how I was feeling and that “something didn’t feel right” and they gave my the bipolar 2 diagnosis. 

Like most people that first get the diagnosis, I didn’t believe it.  I got a few more “dr opinions” however and they were all in the same: Bipolar 2 with hypo-manic episodes.  Eventually though I accepted it, and started taking medication, specifically gabapentin for it. My episodes were not so bad that it required lithium, but they were still challenging and caused personal disruption. As great as being "drunk on happiness and optimism" feels in the moment, when 'sober', thinking back, you end up regretting some of the decisions made, and consequences that occurred.

Since then I experienced at least one additional major hypo-manic episode that I identified, kicked off by mostly bad or no sleep. That was, arguably,  a bit more consequential than my first one through lost relationships, but those details, for another time.  More to come on that.